I can not believe that it is almost the end of the year. I'm having a hard time getting into Christmas again this year. I think that has a lot to do with how my whole holiday season starts out to begin with. Spending time with family is sometimes hard on me. There are a lot of times when I feel as if I am just an inlaw and not really one of the family. My Thanksgiving was a little rough. Some rude comments were made to me and after years of just smiling and laughing about it, I'd had enough and I blew up. I told Brian that I think next year we should have Thanksgiving at home! I really think that is part of my holiday "blahs". It is what it is. But I will say that that whole situation made me very thankful for the wonderful relationship that I have with my brother's wife, Jennifer. To me, she's my sister, not my sister-in-law. If we ever have the chance to move back to Texas, I would jump on it in a heartbeat. Even if it was back to the Dallas area. At least I would only be about 4 hours away from my family instead of 12. I miss my niece and nephews. I want K to be able to play with them more than a couple of times a year. Crap. Now I'm homesick.
I honestly can't wait for Christmas to be over and done with. I like the new year. It's like starting over with a clean slate. I've got a lot of things I want to work on changing this year. This last year I've struggle with depression quite a bit and it has affected a lot of things in my life. I've let a lot of things suffer because of it and I need to work on fixing that. I know that I am a good parent, but I know that I've probably not done as much with K as I should have this past year. I probably should have stopped working at the beginning of the summer, but I didn't. I regret it.
This year isn't going to be a year full of resolutions for me. It's going to be a year of change. It has to be. I can't keep on this path that I've been on. It's not healthy for me, Brian or Kennedy. It affects all of us, but I think in the long run it will affect Kennedy the most and I need to make sure that doesn't happen. The LAST thing I want is for her to be in therapy when she's in her 30's talking about how much resentment she has for her mother. I've been there...done the therapy. I don't want that to be the situation with my relationship with Kennedy. When she is older, I want her to remember what a wonderful childhood she had and how much she was loved by both of her parents. I think that is the main reason I push myself so hard to be a "super mom". It's not because I am trying to be "that mom". It's because it is so very important for my daughter to be able to look back and say, "wow....my mom is awesome." I don't have those memories. That was NOT my childhood. Oy. I could go on and on.
I'm not sure what direction this blog will take next year. I know that it's most def. going to be a lot more positive!
Well....it's almost 1am here and I just made a very long list of all the things that need to be done tomorrow. I'm honestly not sure I will be able to do all of it! Oh well. I've got to try! I want to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day just hanging out with Brian and Kennedy and getting ready for our trip to Texas.
Blog ya later...most likely in 2011!