Wow....

I can not believe that it is almost the end of the year. I'm having a hard time getting into Christmas again this year. I think that has a lot to do with how my whole holiday season starts out to begin with. Spending time with family is sometimes hard on me. There are a lot of times when I feel as if I am just an inlaw and not really one of the family. My Thanksgiving was a little rough. Some rude comments were made to me and after years of just smiling and laughing about it, I'd had enough and I blew up. I told Brian that I think next year we should have Thanksgiving at home! I really think that is part of my holiday "blahs". It is what it is. But I will say that that whole situation made me very thankful for the wonderful relationship that I have with my brother's wife, Jennifer. To me, she's my sister, not my sister-in-law. If we ever have the chance to move back to Texas, I would jump on it in a heartbeat. Even if it was back to the Dallas area. At least I would only be about 4 hours away from my family instead of 12. I miss my niece and nephews. I want K to be able to play with them more than a couple of times a year. Crap. Now I'm homesick.

I honestly can't wait for Christmas to be over and done with. I like the new year. It's like starting over with a clean slate. I've got a lot of things I want to work on changing this year. This last year I've struggle with depression quite a bit and it has affected a lot of things in my life. I've let a lot of things suffer because of it and I need to work on fixing that. I know that I am a good parent, but I know that I've probably not done as much with K as I should have this past year. I probably should have stopped working at the beginning of the summer, but I didn't. I regret it.

This year isn't going to be a year full of resolutions for me. It's going to be a year of change. It has to be. I can't keep on this path that I've been on. It's not healthy for me, Brian or Kennedy. It affects all of us, but I think in the long run it will affect Kennedy the most and I need to make sure that doesn't happen. The LAST thing I want is for her to be in therapy when she's in her 30's talking about how much resentment she has for her mother. I've been there...done the therapy. I don't want that to be the situation with my relationship with Kennedy. When she is older, I want her to remember what a wonderful childhood she had and how much she was loved by both of her parents. I think that is the main reason I push myself so hard to be a "super mom". It's not because I am trying to be "that mom". It's because it is so very important for my daughter to be able to look back and say, "wow....my mom is awesome." I don't have those memories. That was NOT my childhood. Oy. I could go on and on.

I'm not sure what direction this blog will take next year. I know that it's most def. going to be a lot more positive!

Well....it's almost 1am here and I just made a very long list of all the things that need to be done tomorrow. I'm honestly not sure I will be able to do all of it! Oh well. I've got to try! I want to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day just hanging out with Brian and Kennedy and getting ready for our trip to Texas.

Merry Christmas!

Blog ya later...most likely in 2011!